Set Strong Boundaries and Live in Confidence

Spoken or unspoken, we all have physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. Have you ever made known a preference for working in your office alone or asking someone not to touch you? By every action we take, in every life situation, we're either demonstrating strong boundaries or weak ones; and weak ones always create the potential for stress, conflict and drama.

There are two types of boundaries: immediate and lasting. Immediate boundaries are those you set in real time, as a direct response to an annoying or disturbing situation. You set these immediate boundaries in the moment by taking any of these four responsible actions:

1.Speaking up
2.Making a direct request
3.Moving out of the way
4.Keeping silent

As you become more aware, youll start to let go of the small stuff and, at the same time, begin to discover your limits of what youll accept.

This process is almost like re-calibrating an electronic instrument. Imagine a faulty heat detector that rings the alarm almost all the time! What youre doing now is, in effect, learning to re-set your response range.

However, immediate boundaries are, in the final sense, better late than never actions.

Lasting boundaries, on the other hand, are so strong they automatically prevent the distressing situations coming into your life. The only way to develop boundaries this strong is by becoming extremely boundary-aware, and by taking responsible actions (listed above).

The strongest, cleanest boundaries have no emotional charge. This analogy may help you understand what we mean:

If you were a non- or ex-smoker, and someone at a party innocently offered you a cigarette, would you get angry and storm out? Would you yell, or become upset and tearful? Of course not. Youd just say, No thanks, I dont smoke.

In the same way, when you have clear boundaries, youll decline the invitation to drama, conflict and other toxic situations, but without reacting to it. The situation will simply hold no interest for you.

Once again, becoming aware of your real limits will bring you this kind of certainty, calm and focus. If you need to respond at all, youll respond with less angry charge. The situations will flow away from you.

The term boundaries sometimes sounds kind of strict or harsh, particularly if youre chronically nice. The whole concept of strong boundaries may conjure an image of cold, distant people tip-toeing around each other in a state of fear and distrust.

In fact, the opposite is true.

If there are no limits to what people can do to you, and no limits to what you can do to them, you will feel constantly under attack (or will constantly be attacking others). And if youre too nice to say no, you will feel constant resentment, blame and confusion. Without strong boundaries, youll always be vaguely on your guard, ready to lash out.

Setting strong boundaries actually makes it easier, not harder, to get close to people. Thats because boundaries tell other people whats acceptable for us and what isnt. They create an atmosphere of honesty and openness. They allow us to be authentically ourselves. And they create a sense of mutual respect.

When youre angry or annoyed, youve already tolerated too much. A boundary needs strengthening, now. Take one of the four responsible actions (Speak up, Make a direct request, Move out of the way or Keep silent).

When you set strong boundaries, your life will begin to look like this:

-The people in your life who bring you down start to leave
-Instead of cursing the crowds, you cross the street
-You speak up when people show disrespect
-You ask for what you want up-front
-You can truly let it go, Joe.

About the Author

David Roddis, CAC is the author of Drama Clean: Eight First Steps to 100% Drama Clean Relationships. If you want your life to reflect the authentic self-confidence of someone with well-defined boundaries, visit www.DramaClean.com

David Roddis
Set Strong Boundaries and Live in Confidence

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